Talk About What Hurts So That It Hurts Less

You have to talk about what hurts so that the wound hurts less. But …, yes, when it comes to doing it, not just anyone. Beyond what we may believe, not all those close to us are qualified to listen without judging, to make silence and words a valuable refuge. Emotional support is a fine-tuned skill that, in addition to time and patience, requires skill and tact.

Let’s admit it, if it is difficult to give voice to our internal suffering tangles, it is even more difficult to dare to talk to someone about what happens to us. Virgina Woolf, with an emotional universe as remarkable as that reflected in her works, published an interesting essay on psychological suffering which she entitled On Being Ill (about being sick).

In this work, he regretted the few words that exist in our languages, whatever they may be, in order to apply more precision to what we want to say. What hurts is polyhedral, abysmal, has edges, is deformed, has all shades of gray and black and we do not always know how to express such emotional complexity. And yet we must.

To voice and speak to what hurts is to exorcise many of those long-held inner demons. It is sanitizing the mind and heart to make room for new, healthy and vital things. However, it is necessary to untangle and release those universes of pain with the right people. Choosing them is also a skill.

Talk about what hurts to live better

There are many types of pain. There are those who go away with an analgesic; others with a good night’s sleep. Broken bones eventually heal and burns, even if they leave scars, also heal. However, psychological distress is not seen on an X-ray and is not definitively relieved by a drug. This type of pain needs to be expressed, reasoned and confronted to start a slow process of recovery.

Pain needs the word to heal. You have to talk about what hurts to live better, but it is not always easy to establish that dialogue from which to release discomfort little by little. In this way, something that psychologists often see in their clinical practice is that many people have become accustomed not only to not talking about what worries or torments them. We live in a society in which we have been convinced that if life hits you three times you get up four times. We have been taught that if you fall, you have to get up quickly to appear strong. 

That is, we not only evidence a certain emotional incompetence when it comes to knowing how to express and communicate what worries, hurts, torments or takes our breath away. They have taught us not to give space or voice to pain or grief. It is something to hide, to move aside to show normality no matter how broken we are inside.

Make room, take a deep breath and stand as long as necessary

Sometimes it happens. There are those who are especially skilled at being the best friend of others, that always accessible family member, that ideal co-worker. However, for himself he is usually his worst enemy. The reason? Because it is neglected, not listened to and blamed for every mistake or show of weakness.

Acting on automatic pilot has its costs and more if we have been dragging certain stress, some negative experiences and that discomfort that haunts us like the drag on sharks. It is necessary to stop, take a deep breath and analyze from the observer’s position, collect data, without judging. Knowing when it is necessary to talk to someone about what hurts, what weighs or what has happened to us, is key to health and well-being.

Talk about what hurts with empathetic people who know how to listen

Logan Nordgren, a doctor of social psychology at the University of Toronto, carried out a study in which he analyzed how people act when faced with the social pain of others. The data was significant – we often underestimate it.

It was found, for example, that teachers were not always capable of detecting, identifying or intervening in bullying situations. In this sense, if what young people perceive is indifference in adults, it will be very difficult for the latter to dare to speak, to communicate what they are experiencing.

The same happens in our day to day. Not everyone is accessible no matter how close we are. Sometimes, the family itself is not exactly the best reference when it comes to venting. To talk about what hurts, we need empathetic people who are skilled in the art of listening.

conclusion

Let’s be clear, when we go through a bad time we do not always need advice or pat on the back. What on many occasions the sufferer expects is to feel understood, is to perceive that the other makes a common struggle with the fight they are waging.

Hearing from the other an ” I understand what you are saying , I am sorry, I support you and I am with you for whatever you need,” acts as a true medicine. What’s more, these phrases are, on many occasions, the bridge that allows us to access truly deeper levels of understanding.

Let’s not hesitate to go to that friend who knows how to be. Nor do we neglect professionals who are prepared to go where friends or family cannot.