Avoid Telling Someone With Anxiety Not To Worry

What can we say to someone with anxiety ? How to react to that friend, that sister or that close person who is about to have a panic attack? Something quite common is to recommend “ calm down” , “don’t worry”. However, the effect these words can have may be just the opposite of what we expect – even if we do it with all the good intentions in the world.

To begin with, anxiety is not something a person can control at will ; so much so that the anxious brain works differently. There is no shutdown button and no start button; the mechanism is more subtle. So what we often do with our kind advice is create more pressure and heighten discomfort.

Albert Ellis, in his book You can be happy , pointed out that anxiety generates mental anguish out of place. It is something intense and devastating that completely limits human potential. Now, an interesting aspect that stood out is that the first step to better manage it is not to block it, but to accept its presence. Emotional pain is one more part of who we are, and no one is exempt from suffering it.

Therefore, when we are with someone with anxiety, we avoid expressions such as ” relax, do not obsess so much, stop worrying or what is happening to you is only in your mind.” With these phrases we will block communication, preventing the other from making a precise account of what is happening to him.

Avoid telling someone with anxiety not to worry

A person with anxiety would love to be able to calm down. If there is something that you would really like to do, it is to stop feeling that pain in your stomach, that muscle tension, the rapid heartbeat and the noise of rowdy thoughts that are so difficult to control. What’s more, when someone goes through this psychological reality, what they often feel is that they are on the verge of having a heart attack or completely losing their self-control.

So telling someone with anxiety not to worry is like telling someone who is drowning to get out of the water. He cannot help it, and in fact, he needs a more valid kind of help from us. Likewise, there is another aspect that we must take into account: anxiety often appears without warning. Sometimes, it is not necessary to be in a more or less stressful situation, such as a conference, a job interview, a medical appointment, etc.

Sometimes, the demon of anxiety arises in the most innocuous and unsuspected situations : while we are talking on the mobile, at a dinner with friends, when entering a bathroom at our work or university or even when we leave the house to go to work. In those situations in which anguish arises, it is common for someone close to us to insist that there is no reason to worry; because nothing happens, because we are doing everything to ourselves.

These kinds of suggestions make the situation worse.

Less advice and more empathy

Avoid telling an anxious person not to worry. Also, do not tell him to relax and take life more calmly. Don’t do either of these two things for one simple reason: the captive anxiety brain is unresponsive, alert, and unable to process well-meaning commands, suggestions, and verbs. And if you do, you will see our advice somewhat useless because, if there is something you really expect, it is empathy.

Sometimes it is best to say nothing. It is enough just to be, to be close and make that person see that we are by their side for whatever they need. There will be time to look for suitable strategies, but there are times when the best thing is to be that beacon of light, a fortress of balance before those who deal with its tides, its crisis and its storms.

On the other hand, something that studies, such as those carried out in the department of psychopharmacology at the University of Chemin de Ronde, in Paris, point out is that the brain of the person with anxiety is captive of substances such as cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine. It is very difficult to think clearly in these states, so advice in such circumstances is of little use.

What to say to someone with anxiety?

If we wonder what to say to someone with anxiety, the answer is simple: more than saying, do. Rather than resort to advice, to the unfortunate but well-intentioned phrase, just watch, be close and try to understand what the other is going through. Understand, first of all, that there are many types of anxiety, and what someone could use may not be the right thing for those who are close to you.

Therefore, the best thing to do is ask things like ‘ How can I help you?’ or ‘I know you’re distressed right now, and you can’t seem to control it, so let’s take a deep breath together in the meantime.’ Sometimes it is enough to be that close, serene and reassuring presence. Later, we can accompany that loved one to seek specialized help, but in the meantime, the best thing is to know how to be, to give affection and empathy. Is easier than it looks like.