Raise Children Without Limits, And They Will “put Out Your Eyes “

“Raise crows and they will gouge out your eyes”, this is how we know the popular saying that sometimes well-intentioned deeds can be paid for with ingratitude. This same saying can be applied to the upbringing of children and the limits that parents impose, or rather, fail to impose.

There are many questions and doubts that appear when educating, as well as the different emotions that appear during the process, especially when it comes to setting limits. It is common for many parents to have doubts and may come to feel like “bad parents” when making decisions that involve establishing parenting norms and guidelines.

Faced with the millions of questions that arise when it comes to educating, we find an excess of articles, books and information on parenting. It is enough to go to a bookstore or put in the search engine words such as education, parenting or teaching followed by the word children to obtain thousands of results with a multitude of tips that do not always turn out to be coherent and correct.

What is and what is not a limit

Many people associate the word limit with something negative and think that marking borders implies not taking the child’s opinion into account. However, this concept is far removed from others such as yelling, anger or ignoring and is closer to that of structuring, regulating and teaching. Setting a limit does not imply raising your voice or getting angry, nor is it disrespectful.

Educating means saying “no” to requests that cannot or should not be carried out and teaching the child that sometimes you have to wait to get what you want. It also implies putting consequences for behaviors that must be corrected and being consistent with the decisions that are made.

This does not require that parents constantly raise their voices, get angry or threaten their children. The message can be conveyed calmly, clearly and without repeating itself too much. It is not advisable to make absolute threats or threats that will never be carried out.

“Dad, can you buy me the Peppa Pig cake?”

Imagine that you are in a supermarket and your daughter wants you to buy her the Peppa Pig cake. It is not the time or the occasion to buy the cake so you say no. Faced with your refusal, your daughter insists and begins to cry and kick on the ground.

At this moment you start to feel ashamed, because the people around you look at you, you start to get more and more angry and so that the tantrum ends and the show does not continue, you buy the cake for your daughter. Your daughter, happy with her cake, shuts up, you stop feeling ashamed and the shopping can continue.

In this example, when the parents give in, they are relieved because their daughter has stopped crying, they no longer feel ashamed and their anger does not have to increase. However, the girl has learned that by using tantrums she can get what she wants.

Although at the moment in which the situation occurs it can be controlled,  if this becomes a habitual way of functioning, the tantrums could increase and become a habitual way to achieve what is desired.

People who have not been set limits usually have a low tolerance for frustration, have trouble controlling their emotions, and do not respond well to compliance with rules and obligations. They tend to manipulate and make the other feel bad in order to achieve their purpose.

Impertinence, demand for privileges, lack of perseverance and effort, little patience, little collaboration, behavior problems, assaults or even destruction of objects are some of the problems that lack of limits can lead to.

In behavioral disorders, such as oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder, characterized by constant defiance and the breaking of rules, it is common to find an education devoid of limits where it is the child who orders, commands and decides.

If you don’t educate, who will educate?

Recently, the psychologist Teresa Rosillo said in an interview: “we have forgotten to tell children that their parents are the boss. ” There are many households where the minor is the one who has the last word and it is the adults who adjust their plans and routines to the demands and whims of the child.

It is parents, and not other entities or persons, who have the duty and obligation to educate their children. This implies listening, teaching them what is right and wrong, saying “not now”, “we have already talked about this” or “you will have to wait” on many occasions, frustrating and teaching them to overcome that feeling. Educating is not an easy task, but if parents do not assume it, who will?