The Complex Market Of Favors: Between The Nobility And The Grudges

It is often said that people tend to forget the long list of favors we have done them, except for one, the one we refuse to do. It is as if the marketing of the favor is a mined territory, full of conditions and debts to fulfill, when in reality, nothing should be more free, sincere, humble and altruistic than the simple act of giving and receiving.

Nietzsche explained to us in one of his books that there are so many enslaved souls attacking a favor received that they strangle themselves with the rope of gratitude for their entire lives. We are without a doubt facing a type of relational dynamics that are as complex as they are interesting, seen at least from the psychological plane. Something that should be positive at first (doing or receiving a favor or a compliment is usually a sign of a good relationship) often ends up becoming an uncomfortable fact when various elements appear in the background.

In fact, we will all have experienced it at one time or another. When someone in our environment approaches us to “ask us a favor” our alarms go off almost instantly. It is something automatic, because in less than a second we do endless evaluations and speculations. Is it something serious? What is it going to do to satisfy your favor? Time, money, giving up something, putting myself in an awkward situation?

In the midst of all these reasoning, our mouth has already said aloud that of “of course, what you need” , especially if the person who demands the favor is someone with whom we maintain a close bond and where, therefore, a Implicit “obligation” when it comes to satisfying this small -or large- demand. They are complicated situations where emotions, pressures and instantaneously high personal costs intermingle where it is worth having some clear ideas.

We suggest you reflect on it.

The painful market for favors

All of us are grateful that they do us favors, as long as, yes, they do not make us feel that we are in “debt”. Because then what we will experience is a “threat”. It is something very subtle, it is clear, but it is an obvious and resounding reality. Something like this is what happened, for example, in the 2008 presidential elections in the United States. It was a really curious anecdote and worthy of analysis.

When an electoral campaign is organized and a candidate is promoted, the usual thing is to praise the candidate’s experience, leadership skills, achievements or legislative aspirations. However, when they introduced Republican John McCain they were disastrously wrong in approach.

They presented McCain as a war hero. He was someone who had made enormous sacrifices for his country as a soldier, someone who had been made a prisoner of war, someone who had been tortured, a person who therefore should “be rewarded. ”  Because they were all in his debt.

. No one on the advisory team ever saw or understood that this term is instinctively translated by our brain as a threat. Nobody likes to have a debt. Nobody likes having to perform under pressure. If someone does us a favor, the last thing we want is to be required afterwards to have to return a pound of our hearts, as Shylock, the character of the “Merchant of Venice” would say.

This is what we experience almost constantly in our day to day life. If they give us a gift, we must return it. If we are invited to a baptism, wedding or communion, we are often “obliged” to return in “kind” (in money or gifts) the equivalent of the cost of that invitation. We spend a large part of our lives conditioned by what others do for us, sometimes without asking, or also conditioned by criticism for not wanting to fulfill any of the favors that they demand of us.

How can we therefore act in the face of this type of dynamics where we clearly perceive an adverse and even toxic background? We suggest you reflect on the following ideas.

• Avoid assigning a cost to each favor you do in the first place. Everything you do for others must be born from the heart, not from obligation, it must be done with freedom and always be in tune with your values ​​and your identity.
• Do not accept that anyone does something for you that you have not approved, you have not asked, that makes you uncomfortable or that in the long term, may be too high a cost.
• Listen to your instinct, to your intuition. When they ask us for something, there is an internal voice that responds to us the second if we should do that favor or not. Analyze that internal message and always act accordingly.

• If someone reacts badly when we give a logical and justified refusal to demand a favor, assess whether that relationship is sincere.

Finally, understand that favors should be free gifts, samples of an act of reciprocity based on the truest trust, never blackmail. Remember also that the best favors, the ones that are never forgotten, are those that are done without them having to ask us. Those that show that we are capable of anticipating needs in the people we love and respect.