The Need To Be Understood: The Key To Well-being And Also To Suffering

We assume almost since childhood that the need to be understood is a priority. We want others to understand what we think, to connect with our needs, particular realities and even feel almost the same as we experience ourselves. However, little by little, life shows us that this is not always possible. And for this to happen is not the end of the world either.

Not everyone is going to understand or get along with our particular universes. Not even our parents come to understand many of our ways of acting, our passions, unique nuances and personality traits. However, that they do not understand them does not mean that they do not respect us. Because respect is essential and a priority in all cases. That is, after all, the key to coexistence.

Despite this, sometimes many of the people we appreciate do not agree with what we express or feel and that hurts and frustrates us. It is an evidence. Feeling understood is for many as or more important than feeling loved.

The need to be understood: priority or form of suffering?

“But… you understand me right? You understand what I want to tell you and what happens to me, don’t you? Many of us have often been in this same situation. In that of insisting someone with these phrases so that they let us know that yes, they understand our message and, even more, what we feel. How to deny it? The need to be understood is a priority for a large part of us and that this sometimes does not happen makes us despair.

We all have some similar experience in mind. The one in which someone looked at us in disbelief, unable to get along with what was happening to us or what we were saying. It has happened to us with strangers and also with close people. In fact, it is precisely the people with whom we have the closest bond than we most look forward to. ” If they love me, then they must understand me”  we say to ourselves.

Sadly, this rule of three doesn’t work. Moreover, whoever aspires to be understood, always and in every circumstance, will be condemned to irremediable suffering. It is worth remembering a wise phrase by Carl Jung: ” the worst thing that can happen to anyone is that they fully understand it. ” Now , what did the famous Swiss psychiatrist mean by this phrase? We analyze it.

Although sometimes they do not understand you, they can love you the same (and that is to be expected)

A lot of people need to feel validated, accepted, receive external approval and those social reinforcements that ultimately make us feel so good. All of this is correct, it is understandable; However, we cannot and should not depend exclusively on all these dynamics to achieve our well-being. Because they are not always going to happen, nor are others obliged to do so in all circumstances.

There will be many circumstances or elements that others do not understand about us, but still respect it. Our partner, friends or family may not always understand why we do certain things, why we react in such a way or why we place so much value on some things and not others.

That this happens is normal and it is not for that reason that they love us less. They simply accept how we are and love us in every nuance, in every particular circumstance. And something like that is really enriching.

Others will not be able to understand you always, in fact, not even you can

If there is someone who claims to understand you completely, be suspicious. Carl Jung already warned us about it; after all, sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves. Moreover, even life itself is very difficult to understand, but even so we go through it, we explore it, we enjoy it like children trying to decipher a new mystery every day and learn from the process.

Misunderstanding and that little space for uncertainty are part of our reality. As the philosopher David Thoreau said: “my life is an experiment that never ceases to be of interest to me.”

At the end of the day, each one of us continues to test ourselves every day, discovering ourselves, challenging ourselves… At each step we understand ourselves a little more or else, we surprise ourselves discovering something new. Therefore, little by little we become aware that the need to be understood is not an absolute priority.

The need to be understood in a complex world

“The world is already incredibly complicated so that those who love us do not understand us. Could there be anything more frustrating? This is what we say to ourselves many times, especially when we argue with someone because they end up saying “I don’t understand you”.

When this happens it is always appropriate to reflect on the following aspects:

• We cannot control everything. The world and people cannot be as we want and wish.
• Sometimes they will understand us and sometimes they will not. That this happens is part of the conceivable, after all, the human being is incredibly complex and no one can exactly fit in every vertex, fragment and nuance of our personality and opinions.

Freeing ourselves from the need to be understood in any situation and circumstance will allow us to walk lighter. We will reduce amounts of suffering and our relationships will be more satisfactory. Let us always remember, being understood is permissible, but being respected is mandatory.