Types Of Shame And How They Affect Us

Recently, an acclaimed North American psychoanalyst has proposed 4 types of shame that he considers fundamental ; Based on the fact that he considers that, today, people are more prepared to talk about what we are ashamed of, he explains how he thinks each of these variants can affect us.

In his recently published book, Burgo (2018) presents four paradigms from which to study this sensation. However, before we start with the differences, we can say that there is a common detailed picture regarding the manifestations of shame :

• Facial, neck, or chest flushing
• Behaviors or thoughts of flight and / or avoidance.
• Urgent need to disappear or change places.
• Difficulty looking at another person.
• Transient mental confusion.

• Etc.

Many people have a very negative conception of shame. However, those in charge of the scientific study of the types of shame conceive it as more varied in nature and with more moderate, less disastrous consequences.

In one way or another, shame is an aspect of our daily life that is relatively frequent and hardly avoidable; However, that degree of toxicity that we usually attribute to it may not be, as a rule, such. In fact, Burgo proposes in his book – based on his clinical observations of more than 35 years – a surprising relationship between shame and self-esteem.

In this way, he considers that the learning that can be derived from the interaction with our shame states would have a more robust psychological impact than the inhibition that emotion could produce.

There are usually few occasions when we stop to listen and engage in a fruitful dialogue with our states of shame. On the contrary, what is frequent is that the different types of shame to which we expose ourselves are so aversive that we tend to mask them under conditions such as:

• Addictions
• Perfectionism
• Grief for oneself.
• Promiscuity.
• Narcissism.
• Etc.

Types of shame and their influence

One of the reasons why today, both in the research sphere and in the clinic, it is easier to touch the subject is because, in general, people tend to be less scared; the reluctance to talk about what we are ashamed of is, in today’s society, somewhat less.

In a social context in which we are encouraged to show our true image, love ourselves for who we are and live in harmony with our qualities and with the contents of our mind, people are more prepared to look within and share what we it makes them ashamed.

For Burgo, facing shame, in any of its forms, is a daily occupation; a psychological process that, like so many others, unfolds during daily life. Therefore, dealing with it is to be part of a natural and acceptable phenomenon.

The proposal of this author is that, generally speaking, 4 types of shame can be distinguished :

1. Unrequited love

It is enough only to have loved someone and to find out that that love was not reciprocated, to have been rejected or abandoned by the person who was loved, to get a precise idea of ​​how embarrassing the situation is; in some cases, shame leads to humiliation.

It is known that this type of shame can begin to be experienced in the first years of life ; Those babies who, repeatedly, do not tend to provoke the desired affective reactions in their mothers after countless calls for attention, experience something very similar to this shame due to “one-sided love.”

In psychological practice, it is observed that people who have been raised in this way, with mothers who have not tended to achieve a sufficient level of empathy in the mother-child bond, present a structural affliction that could be assimilated to basal shame; this would have negatively conditioned the normal development of the individual.

2. Unwanted exposure

This is more recurrent when, in an informal conversation, you talk about shame. Multiple everyday episodes, more or less common, are linked to it, such as being called attention to or belittled in public or entering a room and discovering you naked.

Generally, this type of shame is – due to its frequency and relative lack of gravity – transitory and hardly relevant to the psychological well-being of the individual; However, depending on the predisposition of the person and the intensity of the emotion experienced, in certain cases it could acquire the consideration or be associated with a trauma.

4. Breach of expectations or disappointment

This is where the type of shame that arises when, after trying to achieve a goal, fails in the attempt and with it the expectations self-imposed or poured on us by other people collapse.

In terms of severity and potential repercussions, it is similar to the previous type. Some everyday examples that could call this feeling of shame are:

• Not continuing with the expected professional projection.
• The erosion of a friendly relationship.
• The failure of a romantic relationship.

5. Exclusion or marginalization

Almost all of us are greatly interested, due to our own condition as social beings, to fit in and develop a feeling of group belonging. This principle is applicable to almost all the vital domains of the person: work, romantic relationships, friendships, etc. However, there are times when this sense of belonging can be threatened …

In these cases, good self-esteem and the ability to make correct attributions would serve as a defense against the negative influence of this type of shame – attributions of the type “ My friends have not invited me to the barbecue today because with all that I work they will surely think I’m very busy and they don’t want to bother me, because they don’t want to be with me “-.

conclusion

Shame can be exhausting and  exasperating . So much so that in some cases it can be a determining element of our emotional balance and the constitution of our personality. In fact, some personality traits considered maladaptive, such as narcissism or self-destructive tendencies, are typically associated with poor coping mechanisms of shame.

Saying ‘no’ to a child can involve a very mild variety of shame, as it tends to disrupt the child’s natural exploratory impulses; But this type of shame does not usually last long nor does it usually have long-term consequences.

Therefore, unless we are dealing with a person whose childhood has been plagued with abuse, neglect or trauma, the small “reservoirs” of shame that may have accumulated should not have a permanent negative effect. Therefore, every father and mother should be calm about the fact of offering refusals to their children from time to time.

However, for those people who have been severely impacted by shame, if they decide to seek psychological assistance -something that we highly recommend-, the therapist will have to spin very fine and discover, little by little, the personal defenses of the person after having obtained their trust.

And it is that building bonds of trust requires time and effort, especially for those who harbor deep feelings of shame and humiliation; For them, being judged by others can be a great concern, even if it is the therapist from whom they fear being judged.