When Selfishness Hurts (Narcissistic Personalities)

Narcissistic personalities have a subtle appeal. This is something that cannot be denied. At the beginning, they attract our attention with their personal safety and because of that ability to connect with us. However, when they have managed to capture our interest, a dynamic based on blackmail and manipulation begins. There where to obtain the maximum benefit.

If we could get inside the mind we would find truly pathological features. Thus, something that we must understand in the first place is that in 10% of the cases, we would be facing a psychological disorder. We are therefore faced with a spectrum, where some only show some features and others show a condition that is as harmful as it is exhausting.

According to the DSM-V classification, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is basically characterized by self-centered behavior. Let’s see more data below.

How to identify narcissistic personalities?

Sara Konrath of Indiana University, in the United States, developed an interesting scale to detect narcissistic personalities in the early 2000s. This is the  Single-Item-Narcissism Scale  (SINS) instrument. It is very useful to identify the different grades. These would be the following dimensions that include this scale.

Studies such as the one published in the  Journal of Personality and Individual Differences  indicate its reliability.

• Hypersensitivity. Their mood swings are almost constant and vary depending on whether or not they are recognized in their personal and social circles. If others do not see their worth, their successes and their superiority, they feel mistreated and very damaged. They are skilled manipulators.
• Desire for grandeur.
• They demand excessive admiration.
• Little resistance to criticism. We have to be careful sometimes, if we criticize them or call their attention, their first reaction will be to get defensive. They can even reprimand us by pointing out that what we really feel for them is envy.
• Desire for manipulation and Machiavellianism. They always appear to care about others and express their desire to support us. But that support always hides a double edge. Explode us. They are skilled “guilt mongers.” They know how to manipulate in their conversations so that others feel bad, to get our attention and attack our feelings.

• They usually have quite a few friends. But they are empty friendships with hardly any closeness or authenticity.

How to deal with narcissistic personalities?

We must be clear about it. Behind his reliable appearance and his talkative words, there is only one person who does not really appreciate himself. They tend to envy many aspects that others have, their self-esteem is very fragile and they always defend themselves with a kind of armor that, far from protecting them, what it does is to alienate others.

There are narcissistic personalities more harmful than others. If you notice that deep down in this person his weakness of character stands out more than the continuous attack of the classic narcissist, it is worth making him understand the following dimensions.

What the narcissist should know

• That his behavior alienates people and the only thing he will achieve is to feel more vulnerable and more alone.
• We must make him see his own behavior in the first person. Give him an example of how he speaks always putting the pronoun “I” before him, of how he does not take others into account. Ask him how he would feel if he were treated like this.
• Explain to him what the consequences of continuing in the same vein may be : that others stop taking him into account, that they see him as a ridiculous character who only seeks to appear and that in the end, he becomes his own puppet. Someone broken and alone.
• Make him understand that self-esteem is built from within, with oneself. We do not have to need external recognition to love ourselves. It is not from the outside-inside, but from the inside-outside.

Finally, as we pointed out at the beginning, behind the narcissistic personality there may actually be a narcissistic personality disorder. Therefore, it is recommended that we recommend seeking expert help.

If necessary, stand up for yourself

Now, if the narcissistic person is within your social or work circle, and you see no way to help him or make him see his “behavioral toxicity”, you must set guidelines in yourself to defend yourself. Set limits from the beginning.

If you are bothered by any of his excesses and he tries to manipulate you by doing you a favor so that later you have to return it to him, refuse. It is important to set guidelines from the beginning so that they are not exceeded. So that they know us and understand that they cannot play with us.

• You know that by setting barriers the narcissistic person is going to get angry, they are going to feel offended and they will let you know. You must be prepared.
• Now, don’t be too afraid of them. After all,  the way they will let you know is by using victimhood. “ How I can do this with the things I’ve done for you?”, “Do not tell me no, because I am the person who respects you and who’s waiting for you” … these are very common phrases before which you must be firm.

Also think that narcissistic personalities have a volatile character. If they are angry today, tomorrow they will tell you that they adore you. If they are taciturn today, tomorrow they will be exalted.

You keep your own balance and never give in to their blackmails, don’t be that satellite that goes around them and don’t let their “I” invade your personal space. Set limits and always think that, deep down, they are very fragile people who only want to appear. Open your umbrella and protect your happiness.