When We Feed Our Grudges, We Die Little By Little

Behind what we know as resentment, there is a great inability to forgive, to let go and move on. Although it is more than this. The resentment poisons us inside in such a way that we wish the other all the evil that can come upon him. One way among many others in which we feed grudges. It is certainly a very toxic emotion.

To exemplify the way in which we feed grudges, we will do so with a short story:

A girl arrives and says to her father:

– Dad, I can’t take my neighbor anymore! I want to kill her, but I am afraid that they will discover me. You can help me with that? The father replies:

– Of course my love, but there is a condition … You will have to make peace with her so that later no one mistrusts you when she dies. You will have to take good care of her, be gentle, grateful, patient, loving, less selfish, always give back, listen to her more… Do you see this powder? Every day you will put some in their food. So she will die little by little.

After 30 days, the daughter says again to the father:

– I don’t want her to die anymore. I love her. And now? How do I cut the effect of the poison? The father then replies:

– Do not worry! What I gave you was rice powder. She will not die, because the poison was in you.

With the search for justice we feed the grudges

When someone hurts you, it is like being bitten by a snake. The wound may be more or less large, but we can close it and heal it. The bad thing is when that bite is poisonous. As the therapist José Antonio García points out, the most common poisons are revenge, an eye for an eye and the search for justice at all costs.

Holding a grudge is human, very human. But so is forgiving. And err. They say that who does not love, does not forgive. In fact, it is precisely love that is guilty of forgiveness. Love of the other, of life, of the world and of oneself.

That is, forgiveness, the real one, does not exist if there is nothing to justify it. There may be kindness, responsibility and indifference, whatever you want, but the only way to achieve it is love.

Also, let’s say that somehow forgiving is synonymous with being free. If we do not have to bind us, grudges, fears and hatred towards the other, there will be nothing that justifies living locked up in the prison of resentment.

In any case, forgiving does not mean that we have to erase the past or forget the pain, but forgiveness is creating a new way of remembering and looking at our present and our future.

Forgiveness, essential for emotional freedom

Forgiveness is essential to achieve emotional freedom and, with it, our mental well-being. It can be very expensive, but it is the only way to heal us. Let’s see how to do it below.

1. Acknowledge your hurt and your pain

This is the only thing that will allow you to emotionally distance yourself and rebuild your empathy with the person who hurt you. Doing so will allow you to analyze the motivations that could lead him to act in this way, which will help reduce your need to blame the other and attribute a specific intention to him.

2. Choose the option to forgive

For this, we are going to use the metaphor of the hook:

Whoever has hurt us has nailed us to a hook that pierces our entrails, making us feel great pain. We want to give him what he deserves, we want to make him feel the same and put him on the same hook, in an act of justice, that he suffers the same as we do. If we make an effort to nail him to the hook, we will do so bearing in mind the damage he has done us and how it hurts to be on the hook where he has put us. As long as we put it in, or try, we will stay on the hook. If we could get him on the hook, we would have him between us and the tip, so to get out we will have to get him out first.

If we leave the hook, we will be careful not to be too close to him because he can put us back on the hook and, if we ever get together, it has to be with the confidence that he will not hurt us again. But it is not the option of not suffering that justifies a choice, but a choice based on what is desired in the long term.

3. Accept suffering and anger

It is natural for us to feel angry and hurt, but the only way to stop suffering is to abandon the confrontation with our emotions, our feelings and our thoughts. If we cling to them, that is how we feed the grudges.

4. Self-protection

When we analyze what happened and we give way to forgiveness, we cannot forget the signs that were indicating a danger to us. Therefore, we must keep them clear and present to protect ourselves from future damage or threats.

5. “I forgive you” is not enough

Any of our expressions can be totally empty of content. This is what usually happens, we think we have done it but our resentment continues to feed within us.

Forgiveness is something you feel. Therefore, if thoughts, emotions and feelings are repeated, we must go through the whole process again. So until we manage to empty the pain that is undermining our character with which we feed the grudges.