Why Does A Disappointment Hurt So Much? The Key Is In Your Brain

We’ve all wondered why disappointment hurts so much. It will not surprise us too much to know that these experiences significantly alter the balance of that neural universe contained in our brain. So much so, that neurologists tell us that the mechanisms of depression share processes and structures with those that make up disappointment.

From a neurochemical point of view, disappointment is almost the same as frustration. We also know that these two are possibly the emotional realities that we experience most on a day-to-day basis. We feel them when suddenly our computer freezes; above is when we need it most. We experience disappointment when someone we want to see suspends the appointment.

We get frustrated when our car refuses to start. Also, when we do not receive a response to that job offer to which we have applied. Our daily lives are full of frustrations and disappointments ; some more innocuous and others more severe, of those that leave a mark, such as those suffered by significant people who at a given moment, fail us.

Be that as it may, there is something evident that neuroscientists recently discovered. With each disappointment, a neuronal “shot” is generated where suddenly a decrease in serotonin, dopamine and endorphins is experienced. All those molecules responsible for our well-being reduce their presence in our brain for an instant. Let’s see more data below.

Why does a disappointment hurt so much? Neuroscience explains it

Jean Paul-Sartre used to say that every dreamer is doomed to experience a great number of disappointments. Sometimes we build high expectations, we know it, most of us have placed an excess of desires, ideals and excessive virtues in other people’s pockets. People fail us, it is true, but it is also true that we ourselves are just as fallible, that we disappoint and disappoint us.

This psychological reality is part of life and even so, our brain still does not ‘digest’ it well. That this is the case is basically due to the fact that this body governed above all by social and emotional principles always seeks security, to feel part of something or someone in a stable and predictable way. For example, if we have a good friend, we hope that he always will be. If we have a partner, we also hope that it is sincere to us, that there is no possibility of lies or betrayal.

However, at a given moment, that ideal of security that we had may collapse. The reason why a disappointment hurts so much is explained as follows according to neuroscience.

The brain habenula, the center of our disappointments

Roberto Malinow, professor of neurobiology at the University of California, San Diego School of Medicine, conducted a study with his team to discover the complex mechanism of deception. Something they were able to demonstrate was the great involvement of the brain habenula in processes such as disappointment and depression.

Thus, when a person is disappointed, glutamate and GABA are immediately released into the habenula. If the brain sends a high amount of these neurotransmitters, the feeling of disappointment will be greater. In other words, it is our brain that interprets the impact of the experience and which in turn modulates the intensity of our emotional pain.

Likewise, the feeling of frustration or annoyance for not achieving something or for making mistakes is also processed in this very small (and old) region of the brain of the epitalamic nucleus.

Why does a disappointment hurt so much? Endorphins

Most of us have experienced the taste of disappointment at one time or another. Beyond the origin that motivated it, there is a fact that we will all have felt: disappointment hurts, and it hurts physically. We also notice some tiredness, body heaviness, numbness and the feeling that the world is going too fast while trying to process an experienced disappointment.

Why happens? This data is as striking as it is curious. It is known that when we receive a blow, when we cut or burn ourselves, our body releases endorphins to alleviate that suffering as much as possible. The brain reacts instantly to that message sent by our receivers to the presence of a physical injury.

However, with psychological ‘wounds’ it is not the same. Although the brain interprets the disappointment itself as an impact against emotional balance, it does not respond with endorphins. On the contrary, on many occasions we end up somatizing suffering in the form of physical pain, migraines and muscle tension.

Disappointments, how to deal with them?

Neurologists tell us that the basic reason why a disappointment hurts so much is because it is processed in the limbic system. This structure of our brain is the most primitive and linked to our emotions. Most of the times when we suffer a setback, when someone fails us or even more so, we ourselves fail life and are disappointed by it, we filter those experiences in a purely emotional way.

One way to reduce the impact of these experiences is to direct them towards our cerebral cortex, that is, we have to reason them, approach them from a more objective point of view. It is clear that something like this is not easy. Not when what we feel is the weight of betrayal and the breakdown of what we value most: trust.

However, we must. And we can work on it by controlling negative thoughts and stopping looking to blame. Also, adjusting expectations, being more realistic and accepting what we cannot control. After all, disappointments are not forgotten, we know, but they are overcome.

We can live with them assuming what happened, but knowing that nothing is more important than moving forward. We still have great stories to write, those where suffering will not be present.